This bitch

Is clearly making this story up to get attention. She is probably a sad lonely feminist sitting at home under a pile of cats instead of happily washing knives in the sink or happily begging her husband to stop cheating on her.

Remember, all women are irrational beings who stumble through life and the dating world vaguely guided by their hypergamic urges and their rationalization hamsters, whereas men are always rational and act in their own best interests. Oh, except when we’re being helplessly manipulated by feminazis and the cruel harpies that trick us into marrying us and then frivorce us. I’m not sure how it works out that such superior beings keep on being tricked by these hormone-addled females, to the extent that our lives are broken and consist of crying about girls on the Internet, but that’s the way it is and everyone that disagrees is a blue-pill-eating churchian.

Anyway, enjoy your sad little website, “Alli.” My wife’s site gets 200-300 comments per post, and only about 250 of those are from the same five unemployed people.

Your Wife’s Ugly Relatives: Malajusted Killjoys At The Holidays

Do you know whom you may wish to leave off your guest list for your upcoming holiday gathering?  Ugly inlaws, that’s who.

But if blood be thicker than water, and I believe it is, you will possibly have to invite a few of your wife’s unattractive female relatives over for garlic soup and pancake mix in the coming month.  What should I expect from these unattractive relatives, Murse Phil, you may be wondering.  Nothing good, I’m afraid, my dear bros.

Your unattractive inlaw will probably:

1. THROW A DRINK IN YOUR FACE

This happened to me in 2010. All I did was wink and ask if she wanted a “ride” in the back of my minivan. This necessitated a trip to the ER (the drink had one of those little umbrellas in it, which caused a serious bruise under one eye) and Sunshine Gary ONCE AGAIN refused to drive me. In fact, when I asked her to, she just burst into tears and locked herself in the house’s only bathroom. Bitches be trippin’.

2. COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING ASKED TO HELP WITH THE DISHES

“Where is the dishwasher?” the ungrateful whore of a holiday guest will say, looking at the empty gap in the kitchen counter that’s now full of tupperware containers full of pancake mix. When I tell her that I threw it out during some bondage foreplay with my wife, she’ll look at me like I’m the weird one, simply for asking that she washes a few knives while I sit on the ground staring at her legs. Feminists, amirite.

3. HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

Why do weird feminists scream so loud when I pull them under the mistletoe? All this bullshit about “we’re both married” and “your daughters are watching” and “You are a middle-aged father of four and speaking to me publicly about your religious BDSM escapades is making me really uncomfortable.” Geez woman, frigid much? Are you a lesbian or what? (If you are, can I watch? LOL)

4. BE ANOREXIC, BULEMIC, OR A COMPULSIVE OVEREATER

Bros, this isn’t all bad. If your inlaw is anorexic or bulemic, see if you can get her and the wife into the same room and see if she can pass on some tips for getting rid of that double-chin.

(If she is an over-eater, don’t invite her. No fat chicks. Well, ok, if it’s been a while and you’re desperate, but keep it down to like 14 a year.)

5. BE LIKELY TO TURN DOWN YOUR INVITATION ANYWAY

For some reason no one shows up to most of our family gatherings, and we don’t get invited to many either. Sunshine Gary says that this is because they’re jealous of how joyful and traditional she is, but COME ON, woman. A home-cooked meal is good, but a man’s sometimes gotta “eat out” (and by “eat out” I mean “have sex with my wife’s friends and relatives while forcing her to beg me for sex whenever she wants it” LOL)

~ Murse Phil

Don’t let feminism do this to your family, as well.

Fellow MRAs, boy am I pissed. Tonight at work I threw a pager at a sassy female, and it bounced off her and hit me in the face, forming a serious bruise on my handsome, manly face. I informed Sunshine Gary that I would be coming home for her to take me to the ER to see what was wrong or if it was broken. I got the distinct impression that she thought I was either lying or trying to purposefully ruin her already settled in evening (i.e. garlic soup all cooked, crotchless panties on, feminists on blog threatened with rape). I was horrified to learn that she was unwilling to disrupt her children’s sleep so that I wouldn’t have to go to the ER alone like a big boy, and refused to  budge even when I threatened to humiliate her in public by telling this story to complete strangers. Feminism, huh.

I drove myself to the ER, parked, hobbled in sobbing and holding my pager-injured face. I caught a taxi home. I even hauled in all my own tissues.

To make things worse, the doctor laughed at me for ten minutes when I explained my predicament and then said something about having real injuries to treat. So it looks like feminism has taken over the nation’s ERs as well. THANKS OBAMA.

Feminist bible translation of Proverbs 31?

You have probably heard of Proverbs 31: it is extremely popular among the Churchianity movement and also (perhaps more disturbingly) even among some real Christians. Even I’d heard of it, and I haven’t even read the bible (the wife keeps encouraging me to do so, but clearly I’ve already learned the important bits, and those gilt-edged pages are so unalpha. Better to just sit down with some Tucker Max, amirite?) But the other day none of my phone contacts were texting back and I was stuck alone in a hotel room (women and their showers!) so I’d thought I’d have a look at the famous proverb about wives.

So why is it “disturbing” that Churchians are into it, you ask? Well, as I’m sure I am not the first to notice, the corruption of feminist translation is obvious. Just look at this:

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Like most feminist lies (and also like hookers), this verse sucks you in by its deceptively harmless beginning. “Who can find a virtuous woman?” SEEMS like a dig at the Churchianity crowd, who would have you believe that ALL women are virtuous (LOL!). But dig just a couple of verses deeper and you’ll find:

She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

Hm, a bit strange. The woman is BUYING a field and PLANTING a vineyard? What does her husband think of this? Would you trust a woman to buy a whole FIELD when there is at least ¼ of a chance that she is on her period or otherwise hormonal, and a 100% chance that she is being hoodwinked into buying a crappy field because the field salesman was a handsome alpha?

Then you come to this:

She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

This is a flat-out feminist lie. How would a normal, alpha husband accept his woman potentially making more money than him, like some sort of unmarried feminist harpie? And we are meant to believe that women could just interact with merchants and keep their pretty heads together (not to mention their legs)? Think about how alpha and dominant merchants have to be to get people to buy their goods. We’re meant to believe that women could resist those charms and not gleefully jump on for another ride on the carousel?

I can only assume that these are a series of mistranslations. Maybe “field” originally meant something like “baby clothing” and “fine linen” was originally something more like those crafts women are always putting up on Pinterest (did you know you can actually sell crafts online, as well? SSM discovered this the other day. Why aren’t more of the non-upper-middle-class women who are always complaining about needing dual incomes doing this?!)

The proverb then ends on a low:

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

Oh, please. Feminist translators, we’re meant to believe that this guy is in the BIBLE (which as we know, is clearly a red-pill handbook) and doesn’t know how to deliver a good neg?

Just how deep does the Churchianity rabbit hole go?

Phil’s Guide to Alpha Blogging

To my adoring male fans and sexy blonde readers,

Recently, after delving into the world of alpha male blogging, I’ve received many questions about how to do it right. Most of these were from females (my wife’s friends, coworkers, friend’s girlfriends, people I went to school with, etc) who understandably don’t know much about how computers work. So I’ve decided to provide this helpful glossary to allow even the most PMS-challenged among us to run a successful MRA blog.

Phil’s MRA Blogging Glossary: 

Blog: A public opinion platform that allows you to attract hundreds of commenters all agreeing with what you say (any comments that do not agree with what you say go against the spirit of blogging, and should probably be reported to the police).

Example usage: All the people on her blog agree that my wife looks much younger than she is.

Hacking: Any accessing of publicly-displayed information in any way that you don’t like.

Example usage: Somebody reposted a picture on my facebook from an album that was set to “public.” I have been hacked.

DMCA: The Dominant Male Convenience Act. This law allows the use of any and all images that would otherwise fall under copyright law, provided that you are a sufficiently dominant alpha male, or married to one.

Example usage: My wife uses many stolen images on her blog and complains to the authorities when others do the same thing, but it’s ok because it’s all covered by the DMCA.

Echo chamber: Another word for a comment section.

Example usage: I get all tingly in my manparts when people talk about how sexy male nurses are in my echo chamber.

Harassment: The act of making fun of or disagreeing with an MRA blogger. This action is rampant among Churchians, White Knights, and feminists who haven’t been raped enough.

Example usage: I reported several blogs to the WordPress moderators for harassment but for some reason they weren’t interested, probably because WordPress is run by cat-owning feminists.